The Joys of travelling by rail

“What a splendid journey. We found ourselves lodged in the connecting corridor of two carriages, along with many other of your passengers, far too numerous to mention. We so much enjoyed the absolute freedom from the restraints of social distancing. I managed to sit, for a small period, on the edge of a suitcase, bracing myself against the movement of the connecting corridor. So comfortable was this that I found by head and neck jammed by a large backpack and was forced to stare at the very attractive bottom of a young lady for the entire journey between Loughbourgh and Kettering, after which the view was obscured by a large African lady with a very large yellow backpack that swung in rhythm with the movement of the train, swatting passengers as they struggled to stay upright. Such diversity and multi culturalism amongst your passengers was heartening to see. I would very much have liked to enjoy some soothing and relaxing classical music on my headphones but could not reach my bag let alone search it for the headphones. But fortunately, a fellow passenger was wearing a very loud pair of headphones which enabled all of us crushed into that cavernous space to enjoy his choice of music. It so happened that his favourite tracks were from a Scottish heavy metal punk rapper, accompanied, as is appropriate for a scots rapper, by the sound of discordant bagpipes. It was not music to everyone’s taste, but at least we were exposed to a new cultural genre of music. The lyrics were rather vernacular and caused, amongst your more sensitive passengers, some offence. But speaking for myself, and being from Nottingham, I rather enjoy these small homages to the writing of D.H. Lawrence.

It was difficult for additional passengers to board the train and I thought I noticed some of your platform staff, in quite an innovative way, performing, like Japanese railway workers and encouraging passengers onto the train so they could close the doors. Quite charming really.

Some passengers were unable to get off the train at their chosen stop and happily resigned themselves to enjoying the rest of the journey to destinations they had no intention of going to.

There was mounting excitement as we finally approached the platforms at London St. Pancras International station. When the doors were opened your travellers spilled and stumbled out making a stampede towards the St. Pancras International Station toilet facilities. From the mass release of all that pent-up piss there arose a warm vapour from the St. Pancras International toilets which served to remind us all of those nostalgic days of the steam railways.

I really don’t understand why people are so critical of your service and I am so pleased you have taken the trouble to seek our feedback.”